Daein Mace Leyof

 Dead.
For now at least. I'm working on a solo experimental music thing. 

I have a few reasons to say no, all creative? No.

1. Being a hypocrit isn't in my agenda...
2. I'm a nonconformist. I just hate doing the cool thing. It makes me [cringe].
3. The zombies will eat me if I leave me house.

A cramped well-lit closet with the crush of my dreams... of course, she doesn't feel the same way back.
That... that, my friend, would make me die out of sheer nervousness... Even thinking about it makes me sweat.

Wow, thanks for reminding me that I've never won anything, dick. Livejournal, you are such a bitch sometimes, but you know I love you.♥

Ah, shit. I’m freakin’ tired. It’s getting increasingly hard for me to sleep… I am happy though with the dreams I’ve been having. I have this cool thing I just started where I write down my dreams. I’m thinking of converting them to short stories. [I’m lame]

Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m going to make a list of things I want to do on livejournal. Just because, y’know?

Without further ranting…

• record an audio/voice blog thing…?
• post a picture of myself… as in my face and my body… not like that…
• gain 50 mutual friends…
• get a lot of readers…
• create a successful community where I can help people…
• have a question of mine on the ‘Writer’s Block’ thingamajig…
• prove that I’m more than just a nerd posting on the internet; I’m a real person too, y’know…
• fill out info on my profile… and stop being lazy with it…
• get better with tagging my posts…
• have enough people reading to have a poll… [ties in with ‘get a lot of readers…’]
• think of more things to accomplish on livejournal…
• stop ending things in ellipses marks (…)…

 

Well, that’s all I can think of on the spot… If you can help me with any of these, please do.

And remember kids, keep your clothes on.

 

[thank EmoPenguin64 at deviantART for the picture]

Either Satan or God. For god it would suck to have to deal with everyones issues and help them after their ancestors tortured your kid.
It would REALLY suck to be Satan though. Seriously, who wants to be seen at by most of the world as... well, Satan. Everyone hates you, pretty much, and to top it all off your surrounded by douchebags in hell.

Well, I don't have to worry because I don't really swing either way...

 

This is going to be one of those posts where I’m going to make you think. If you do not like thinking, then stop reading now. Y’see, I already made you think about leaving. Man, I’m good. Actually, these are just random thoughts I have and the answers I’ve come to… some may be correct while others may be horribly wrong/off. If you want to answer one of these for/with me, then go ahead.

This is where the thinking REALLY begins…

Why do girls complain to their boyfriends about how ugly/fat they think they are? It really annoys me, as a boy. Do they expect me to just agree? Idiots. If I thought you were ugly or fat, then I wouldn’t be with you. Simple enough. You look great and I’m definitely attracted. I think girls generally start complaining about these to hear compliments and to have attention directed towards them. That is all fine and dandy, but wouldn’t it be easier to kiss me? Or better yet, dress up nice. I always notice and I’m sure other guys know as well.

You know, I just realized that the majority of these will probably deal with relationships…

Why is it that guys think ‘doing’ a virgin is awesome and so studly? Doesn’t that just show how pathetic and stupid you are? When a guy chases virgins down, then they are most likely horrible in the… yeah… or they are just really… tiny. I personally think virgins SUCK for sex. Why would I want somebody to sit on top of me and stare at me whilst doing her best to ‘please’ me. The first time isn’t even about ‘pleasing’ anyone. It hurts all parties involved. It is merely to initiate the sex-having fun, it shouldn’t be viewed as great. Sorry, I’m just really tired of my '-quote- friends –unquote- talking about how badass ‘screwing a tight virgin’ would be and how great it is. Fuck that, if you are a guy searching specifically for virgins, then you need to rethink your lifestyle. That’s all, sorry for rambling on that too much… Not really… Or am I? No.

 

When you're sitting next to a guy, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us… fuck yeah, it pisses us off….

Why do girls play mind games with guys they are dating? Like, come the on. Isn’t that a little… foolish? Let’s say you love a guy and your not sure if he loves you back, so you act all sad and get him to comfort you. Why? Isn’t that stupid? Of course a boy with comfort his girl when she is sad, if he doesn’t, then he isn’t boyfriend material. It doesn’t prove that he loves you or anything, but if a guy is with you he likes you. Use the direct approach… Lay in his [or your] bed with him and lay your head on his chest, listen to the thumps from his heart. Is it beating quickly or slowly? Notice the speed, then ask him about it. ex: ‘Why is your heart beating so quickly/slowly?’. He’ll do one of two things: Say he doesn’t know [my answer], or tell you it’s because of you. If he takes the latter route, then your in luck. If it is the first one, don’t despair, read on. When he says he doesn’t know, it isn’t because he hates you or is just blowing you off, he’s either confused himself, or he is shy. That’s when you you move your head up to near his neck and whisper things to him. Don’t know what to whisper? Well, your lucky I’m here. You can whisper something like: ‘well, I know why mine is beating so quickly/slowly –wink wink-.’ If he shows ANY affection whatsover then you are in the clear. If he doesn’t, then odds are he doesn’t feel the same way or… >OR< he isn’t ready. Cool off and wait if that happens. He’ll come around.

Wow, that was fucking long an unneeded. I’ll keep it anyway because I REALLY hate girls who play mind games, maybe this will stop a few.

Kiss us in front of your friends, it makes us feel like we are part of your life and loved.

Why do some girls have this thing where they constantly bring her boy down? It doesn’t really make me feel better when a girl refuses to touch me and tells me I smell sweaty and ewwww. I just hate it. It makes me feel insecure and the way I’ll react is by shying away from you. It affects the long term as well. If you really like me, then deal with it. Girls get sweaty too y’know? And if your sweaty I’m not going to care and if I do care enough not to touch you, then expect another hidden reason. Guys are more complicated than you perceive. I love you enough to hug you when you are sweaty, okay? Hug me when I’m sweaty too, that’s all I want… you.

When I put my hand on the back of your head kiss you, I’m trying to show you that I don’t love you because your body, I love you for you. [and, personally, I want to play with hair too ^.^]

When we fight, why do you always need your ‘space’? That doesn’t solve anything. If you are mad at me and need your space, then you don’t want to talk about the issue at hand and your never going to get over it because every time the ‘issue’ comes up you run away and hide. Don’t crawl into a hole and brood, share your emotions with me. I want to hear it, especially if I follow you. If I don’t, then I’m feeling bad like I just fucked up hardcore. No good comes from you hiding yourself away from me.

When I fall to my knees, I know I’m really in trouble. Let me lay against you and make it all go away, if only for a second…

I’m sorry about all the ‘you’ and ‘me’ talk, I just kind of gave up on third person because most of the things I’m talking about are things that I actually have experience on.

The reason I posted all of this is because I know that the majority of the people who read this are females… Muwahaha.

Now go show your boy what you are made of and make yourself happy,

I hope you enjoyed the playlist too. The picture I used for it is from x3sonjae over at deviantART. Show your love for it over there. ^.-

I’ve been wondering lately exactly how many chicks are in the sea for me…

No… not really, that would make my issues worse… T_T

[this is my first post using windows live writer… cause I’m cool like that]

Anyway, let’s move on to the post…?

I’ve been thinking a lot towards what religion I should follow [because I need one] and I’m starting to think I’ll start my own… anyone want to join?

Y’see, the problem with religions is that they are too lenient and there are always loopholes so humans can remain greedy and selfish (as most are). I think a religion should be there to cure humans from their blind greed so that they can see the world for what it really is: a home.

How should I go about doing this? Do I get wasted off of some drug and just write down… whatever? No. If you said yes, I like you, but get out.

I think the best course of action for us to take is to find a way to make this religion appeal to humans… for this we will make a list.

Things I like:

• being cared about
• someone to talk to
• the option for individuality
• badass music
• darkness
• candy
• coffee
• caffei 

I’m [not] sorry about the last few, sometimes I [like to] get carried away.

Everyone likes to know they are cared about, but isn’t that kind of… a jealousy thing? Everyone feels like they need to be cared about sooner or later, that is part of being human. If you don’t feel like anyone cares about you, then you ultimately live for yourself and are lonely. I believe that sooner or later down that path I would commit suicide. Yeah, I’m telling you I can’t stand being alone and no one care about me, and I bet you feel that way to.

No? Screw off then.

Having someone there to talk to kind of ties in with being cared about, but isn’t necessarily required… I’m sure that after so much emotion, or whatever you people feel, you’ll want to tell your fellow humans about how it felt. Yeah, I got you all figured out now.

Get how it goes now?

I believe that churches tempt people to do things and when they do, they call it a ‘sin’ or something rather. For instance: Envy is a very human emotion, it ties to greed, for one to want to join a religion they generally envy someone who is already part of it. Then when they do join, they learn Envy is a sin and it should never happen ion the church…

This is where I get confused, personally. Wouldn’t everyone (or most of them) in that particular church have felt envy at some point? But they made it a sin?

It seems like just another way to break down a fellow human. Isn’t that what church is? Lure them in with candy and lie to them to make them feel like shit, then have them devote everything to you…

Lure them in with candy and lie to them to make them feel like shit, then have them devote everything to you…

Isn’t that a little bit… I don’t know… terrorist-like… of us? Why do we feel the need to hurt our fellow human? It is wrong to torture someone that way.

 

Be cool kids, don’t conform to churches without actually thinking about it. Pick the one that you feel is truth and one that you can act most like yourself in.

 

And whatever you do, kids, don’t pick the religion of LOLCATZ.

 

This is an LOLCAT[z]:

Don’t become one… or I hunt you down…

No, fuck that. If you join them… I will kill all the kitties of the world…

Starting with this one:

Nah, just kidding. I fucking love kitties.

 I just thought I was entitle to post a quick thank you for the messages and comments lately. Honestly, they make me feel better because I like attention. Not only that, but they have great advice.

Something I've been thinking about that makes me love the comments and messages more is because I knew that if I would have seen any of my posts [if I wasn't going through this of course] I definetly would have left a hate comment (stop bitching) or just ignored it and wrote it off as another crybaby.

Thank You guys [and girls].
the girls tend to have better advice... :/

 I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired all the fucking time. I don't even understand myself anymore. I have no idea what these alien feelings are and I can't seem to grasp their meaning. Why should I live and carry these ungodly things around. Is this why normal people are so fucking pissy all the time? Do feelings even matter in anything? Or am I the only one lately feeling anything? I'm sorry if anyone actually reads my blogs... I'm just going through a shitty time right now... as you saw my angry post... if you read it. Thanks for the people who message me and try to cheer me up... but this is real life shit I'm in my knees to. I'm now jobless, depressed, alcoholic, pothead, and cigarette-aholic. I'm becoming everything I hate. I'm losing my grip on reality and I'm hoping I stay sane long enough to prove to myself I'm alive and my heart is beating... without tearing it out of course. And... to the people who suck out there (you know who you are) here's a big 'FUCK YOU'. I send this shouted message to all those people who bully others and who drunkenly yell at their fucking kids. If you feel the need to do that kind of shit come to me and I'll show you what your own blood tastes like, bitch.

A shallow grave. Fuck you livejournal.

 I want to die.

I can't stop thinking about her. I listen to music that reminds me of her, I picture her all the time and all the memories we have ever had. Her whispers fill my thoughts and turn my dreams to nightmares.
I used to believe that I had no fears and that I was utterly emotionless. That was all fucking lies to myself. I am so sick of lying to myself. I want her so bad. It's been about a year now since we broke up and still I sit her staring at my ceiling wondering if she is thinking the same thing. I wonder what she is doing at that moment...
Why? Am I actually in love? I feel like such a fool.
As much as I want to believe that if she talked to me and shows and affection I'll tell her to leave me alone I know it isn't true. I would take her back and now I wonder why I'm not with her. She was my everything, now I have nothing.

Look at me now, I sound like a sad little emo kid. Whatever, that's bullshit. Who gives a shit about stereotypes when you are trying to deal with real shit. This is life, that's wallgreens. Look, a joke. Smile, laugh. Yes, it's fine.

Have some reassurance that you truly exist and laugh. Who gives a damn about anything else.

Still though, even when I'm trying to move on and I have this girl with me now (who is attached and trying to make me attached to her as well) I still can't stop comparing her to my lost love.
Why... Why can't she just stop haunting me. Even though I think that she doesn't even know I exist anymore I let her do this to me.
I'm so sick and tired of this bullshit. Goddamn I'm so pathetic.

You know what the worse part is? I think I'm actually happier when I think of all the memories than when I don't. Is it right to blind myself with all of this to make up for how fucked up I am? I should probably be in a mental hospital right now screaming at the therapist.

Now I'm here wondering why the hell I'm posting this all to livejournal... Do I even want to remember how I'm feeling now? Does anybody even care? Fuck no. The world is draining us all. We become but lifeless corpses dreaming of lies.

Why... Why does all this happen.

I miss the way she used to dance with me in her room. We used to put our lips together and mouth/sing the words to all the songs. Is that love? 
I miss laying in her bed with her talking about the future. I miss holding her when one (or both) of us were sad. I miss her smell and singing to her.
I wish I had the courage to express to her how I feel. Or do I? Does it really matter? If I even attempt it I'll lose my current girlfriend and the worst part is I don't care.
I'm drowning and no one is going to save me before I'm gone.
I've become such an addict of alcohol and pot lately. It makes me happy and I feel alive. 
I'm a dick to my current girlfriend and I don't know why. Is it because I'm still in love with her (my real love). Or maybe it is because I'm taking out the pain I feel on her. That isn't right and because I know what I'm doing I feel like even more of a messed up prick.
I don't even think anyone is going to read this, it might as well be a cleverly hidden suicide note. Nope, I'll still be here, but I'll be dead inside.
No one cares about that though, kill yourself on the inside and you become invsible. If you kill yourself on the outside no one cares anyway.

Life isn't fair, and I'm not saying it should be. Can't it at least swing in your favor sometimes?
I'm  not here for pity, I don't even give a shit if you read this. Swallow your pride and fuck off if that's what you think I'm doing. Do you think your opinion of me really matters? You're probably about as bad off as I am and just throwing a curtain to hide it from the world... as I do.

Is there any way to make this easier? Would it help if I explained to my girlfriend (yes, the current one who I will refer to as 'T' from now on for my sake) all these feelings I'm having? Would she understand? Do I want that? 
Would it be better off to be misunderstood and come off as tough prick or be understood and be alone?

I'm afraid of being alone, I'm even more afraid of dying in falling into the black abyss of no return. Is that how it will happen? I'm a bit nihilistic so I don't think I'll be going to heaven. Will your so generous and loving god just let me die this way and feel this for eternity? Just because I'm in so much pain and I'm confused means I should die? What pisses me off more is that I know I'm not the only who feels like this.

Why? That seems to be my question for today. Why? Why should anyone have to go through all this goddamn bullshit? Wouldn't it be easier to pile it all on one person and let them suffer and die than to spread it out like a fucking disease? I don't even care if I'm the one to take the pain, someone has to do it.

If 'god' or anyone hears me, let me die and take all the pain with me to suffer with for the rest of everything.

Nope, still not dead, haha... How can I believe in something that contradicts itself anyway?


And here I am again thinking of her (who I will henceforth refer to as 'A') in the middle of something else. See how it just pops up randomly?

I'm such a freak I think I'm in love. Love is pain. I didn't even realize I was in love until now. I felt so alive though when it first began, like I was winning. Isn't that all a human wants, to win?


Haha, you know what the worst part is? Even though I'm in love with her I'd rather be in so much pain and cause pain to others with all these memories that replay in my head than actually talk to her. Fucking hell... I'm worse off than I thought. Actually, that was probably a fucking lie. I know how bad I am, I'm just to the point where I don't give a shit.

I think I have become what people believe emo to be. I actually feel like cutting myself right now so I can see my own blood. My blood has caused so much pain just being there keeping me alive. It represents the pain I feel inside and the release of that pain.

See? That's what emo is. And then there are the ones who ruined it and made it 'cool'. Fuck it. It isn't suppose to be cool to be depressed and suicidal. It needs to fucking stop, it's contagious. Can't we all just write songs about being happy and memories when we were? Wouldn't that help people more than 'i want to die, i cut myself to live, i contradict myself because i'm so pathetic'. Oh my fucking god people, get a life stop writing music if that is how you feel. Just listen to music that makes you happy. 
Actually that was a really bad idea. Then everyone will be like me and listen to music that reminds them of somethings sad (in my case: 'A') and all the memories they had. Why is life such a bitch to everyone?

I really REALLY wish I could grab life my the throat and strangle it. I want to watch it die for all the pain it has caused everyone. Why should we be born just be in pain? If a bird is dying on the floor you should put it out of it's misery. Stop watching them die.



Holy shit, I'm done venting... HAHA you know what I just realized? All this time 'T' has been wanting me to vent to her so she understands, but here I go and vent here. Maybe I should show her this? Nah, I don't think that is smart. She'll be gone so fast if I did that. Is that what has been stopping me?

Wowww I'm such a dick. I'm so selfish. This whole time I'm talking about how much I love 'A', but I'm holding back from telling 'T' because I want her to stay and suffer with me. Is that how it is? Am I just trying to make someone as bad off as me? See, this shit IS contagious. For the love of everything, why does this have to go on?!

I am so fucking pissed off at myself. I wonder if my insides would be pretty if I ripped them out and showed the world what I am made of. On that note, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'll do one of two things.

• Wake up around 9 a.m. and find some pot
• Wake up later and and hang out with 'T'. (and feel horrible if I remember this)

Actually, I'll add a third, as an afterthought.

• Wake up around 9 a.m. and find and smoke pot with my friend until around 3 p.m.~6 p.m. when I'll hang out with 'T'.

Isn't that horrible? Oh well, I'm done. Fuck it, I'm going to lay down and think about you know who.

Generally I hide from attention, except on the web. Although the real world is the place in which I should be using my attention-craving skills, I can't stand it. I hate people looking at me and judging me. In essence, the internet is my fortress of public solitude. I can post whatever the hell I feel like and, though it may be public, not give a damn. I think of it as a journal... a... livejournal.

And so, sonny, that was when the public spread of livejournal began. With the internet comes great responsibility, or lack thereof. Your choice, that's the beauty of it.

Well, I didn't say I'd post prose, but here goes anyway. This is more of a romance story I've been working on out of boredom.

----
In a quick flash he puts on his dark clothes. Oh, how it would be nice if he remembered to do his disgusting laundry once in awhile. How long has it been? For days I'd assume, but he doesn't exactly have that many clothes either. Because of all this, he simply puts on what smells clean. The least he can do is straighten his fucked up hair...

A honking comes from outdoors. Shit, she is here. She was suppose to meet him at the dreary old park two long blocks from his house. Oh well, suppose she got tired of it. As quickly as he can he slips on some deoderant and dances around in the mist of his spray-on. On the bright side, he would smell nice for awhile. Time to get this car rollin' and see if he can score a smoochie. It has been so long since he has had any form of affection directed towards himself. No longer could he wait and watch other pathetic people make their moves and get some love from another. Oh, how he missed the feeling of it all. Come to think of it, when it actually did happen he didn't think of it as much. Now he was left wishing on a shooting star just for a simple hug.

He tapped loudly on the window to make her jump in discomfort. It was always fun to play with people and gave him a sense of proudness. Of course, that is odd, but who on earth would know what he was really thinking? He opened the door and the blaring of loud screamo music filled his ears. This was the way it was meant to be. There was no need to talk as long as they both knew they wanted eachother. He wondered to himself, did she want him right now? Was she desiring a kiss? Too bad he was too much of a pansy to do it himself.

Her eyes were a wonderful shade of green. Nothing could stop his stalkerish gaze from those. He knew he was falling even more in love with her every passing day, but he wouldn't admit it to himself. Not again would he feel the affliction and discomfort of being showed absolutely no affection unless she wanted something. No, he promised himself he wouldn't think of her ever again. She was out of sight, out of mind, and fucking hopefully out of his life. Though, she had filled a much needed gap. No! Stop, he told himself. He had to control himself so he could manage a hug from this gorgeous girl; she was apparently in angel in his world of built on deception.

Finally, they arrived a suitable location for it all to take place. Her house wasn't exactly comforting, but it was the only thing he could think that would be perfect for this moment. Slamming the door closed behind him, he stood up and flicked his cigarette towards the dying grass; all the while he promised himself he wouldn't lie, not tonight.

Fate absolutely does not exist. If fate really existed, do you think people are fated to live and die in poverty in bad health? Or is your reasoning that it is that they deserve it. If it is fate, the if you get sick, do you just stay home? Screw the hospital, because if you are fated to die, you will. Fate is probably one of the worse ideas ever, yet it is so mainstream. I have no idea how people do not have the common sense to figure out that if this truly did exist, the creator of the fate is is a grotesque demon who must have a sick sense of humor. That is all on that.

 Ahhh, I'm so sorry. I haven't really been thinking much lately, just reading. Been keeping up on my Aristotle. Yeah, I read that. Right now though I'm reading his philosophy on Metaphysics. No worries, I won't bore you with the details, I'll just blog blog BLOGGGG. (yeah, it needed the extra G's).

I'll start off with a topic of much interest, Love. I find that love does not exist. Yeah, that's righ, I said it. Love does not exist, or I've found the real definition of what it REALLY is. Ready kids? Strap those seatbelts in... or not. You can die in the crash.

Okay, let's first go the route of what people believe love is. Most believe that love is an emotion that is felt that overrides all over the others so that it can be felt. That is my definition, and probably close to the real one.
Now let's dissect it, shall we?
Is love really an emotion that overrides other emotions, or is it the other emotions that are just being felt immensely? Can you really feel Love and know what it is or just take a stab at it when you are emotionally confused? Is love just an excuse for a guilt trip? I honestly have no idea about that, that is for you to decide.
Now, onto the guts of what I am talking about. Let's take a look at what 'Love' has to offer and what causes the emotion most believe to be 'Love'.
Love is, to me, just a degree of happiness. For instance, when you feel that you are really happy with someone/something, you say that you love it. (I love those sneakers, I love my girlfriend). Or is it just something you are born with? (I love my mom). 
Truly, I believe Love started as an idea for writers and emotionalists (those who feel?) to explain what they felt without actually explaining anything. Lazy asses, eh? Now we are here to clean up the mess. Or do we care? You can use love to get into someone's pants or to guilt trip your parents. Love is what you want it to be, that is all.
Or is it? Love is in the eye of she who seeks it. It is part of the imagination and intertwined with emotions. Will you abuse it, or simple let it linger?

Sorry if that was horribly written folks. I suck at explaining things. Righ? Yeah. Well, wait for the next one if you aren't satisfied. And for god sakes, add me!

Surprisngly enough I've spent a lot of time doing charity work. I don't quite know why, I just enjoy helping people.
From protesting to firsthand volunteering, I've helped. Usually I go for anti-suicide or ones that aim to help kids. I've done a lot of anti-racism volunteer work too, I really REALLY hate racism. I know I know, I'm white, I have it all right?
Wrong.
My life IS shit. I don't live with rich parents(I live alone), I don't even have a fucking decent job(I work at pizza hut).
Anywaayy.
Rawr Rawr.
I'm so bored.
Rawr Rawr.
Give me a hug, man.