I can't stop thinking about her. I listen to music that reminds me of her, I picture her all the time and all the memories we have ever had. Her whispers fill my thoughts and turn my dreams to nightmares.
I used to believe that I had no fears and that I was utterly emotionless. That was all fucking lies to myself. I am so sick of lying to myself. I want her so bad. It's been about a year now since we broke up and still I sit her staring at my ceiling wondering if she is thinking the same thing. I wonder what she is doing at that moment...
Why? Am I actually in love? I feel like such a fool.
As much as I want to believe that if she talked to me and shows and affection I'll tell her to leave me alone I know it isn't true. I would take her back and now I wonder why I'm not with her. She was my everything, now I have nothing.
Look at me now, I sound like a sad little emo kid. Whatever, that's bullshit. Who gives a shit about stereotypes when you are trying to deal with real shit. This is life, that's wallgreens. Look, a joke. Smile, laugh. Yes, it's fine.
Have some reassurance that you truly exist and laugh. Who gives a damn about anything else.
Still though, even when I'm trying to move on and I have this girl with me now (who is attached and trying to make me attached to her as well) I still can't stop comparing her to my lost love.
Why... Why can't she just stop haunting me. Even though I think that she doesn't even know I exist anymore I let her do this to me.
I'm so sick and tired of this bullshit. Goddamn I'm so pathetic.
You know what the worse part is? I think I'm actually happier when I think of all the memories than when I don't. Is it right to blind myself with all of this to make up for how fucked up I am? I should probably be in a mental hospital right now screaming at the therapist.
Now I'm here wondering why the hell I'm posting this all to livejournal... Do I even want to remember how I'm feeling now? Does anybody even care? Fuck no. The world is draining us all. We become but lifeless corpses dreaming of lies.
Why... Why does all this happen.
I miss the way she used to dance with me in her room. We used to put our lips together and mouth/sing the words to all the songs. Is that love?
I miss laying in her bed with her talking about the future. I miss holding her when one (or both) of us were sad. I miss her smell and singing to her.
I wish I had the courage to express to her how I feel. Or do I? Does it really matter? If I even attempt it I'll lose my current girlfriend and the worst part is I don't care.
I'm drowning and no one is going to save me before I'm gone.
I've become such an addict of alcohol and pot lately. It makes me happy and I feel alive.
I'm a dick to my current girlfriend and I don't know why. Is it because I'm still in love with her (my real love). Or maybe it is because I'm taking out the pain I feel on her. That isn't right and because I know what I'm doing I feel like even more of a messed up prick.
I don't even think anyone is going to read this, it might as well be a cleverly hidden suicide note. Nope, I'll still be here, but I'll be dead inside.
No one cares about that though, kill yourself on the inside and you become invsible. If you kill yourself on the outside no one cares anyway.
Life isn't fair, and I'm not saying it should be. Can't it at least swing in your favor sometimes?
I'm not here for pity, I don't even give a shit if you read this. Swallow your pride and fuck off if that's what you think I'm doing. Do you think your opinion of me really matters? You're probably about as bad off as I am and just throwing a curtain to hide it from the world... as I do.
Is there any way to make this easier? Would it help if I explained to my girlfriend (yes, the current one who I will refer to as 'T' from now on for my sake) all these feelings I'm having? Would she understand? Do I want that?
Would it be better off to be misunderstood and come off as tough prick or be understood and be alone?
I'm afraid of being alone, I'm even more afraid of dying in falling into the black abyss of no return. Is that how it will happen? I'm a bit nihilistic so I don't think I'll be going to heaven. Will your so generous and loving god just let me die this way and feel this for eternity? Just because I'm in so much pain and I'm confused means I should die? What pisses me off more is that I know I'm not the only who feels like this.
Why? That seems to be my question for today. Why? Why should anyone have to go through all this goddamn bullshit? Wouldn't it be easier to pile it all on one person and let them suffer and die than to spread it out like a fucking disease? I don't even care if I'm the one to take the pain, someone has to do it.
If 'god' or anyone hears me, let me die and take all the pain with me to suffer with for the rest of everything.
Nope, still not dead, haha... How can I believe in something that contradicts itself anyway?
And here I am again thinking of her (who I will henceforth refer to as 'A') in the middle of something else. See how it just pops up randomly?
I'm such a freak I think I'm in love. Love is pain. I didn't even realize I was in love until now. I felt so alive though when it first began, like I was winning. Isn't that all a human wants, to win?
Haha, you know what the worst part is? Even though I'm in love with her I'd rather be in so much pain and cause pain to others with all these memories that replay in my head than actually talk to her. Fucking hell... I'm worse off than I thought. Actually, that was probably a fucking lie. I know how bad I am, I'm just to the point where I don't give a shit.
I think I have become what people believe emo to be. I actually feel like cutting myself right now so I can see my own blood. My blood has caused so much pain just being there keeping me alive. It represents the pain I feel inside and the release of that pain.
See? That's what emo is. And then there are the ones who ruined it and made it 'cool'. Fuck it. It isn't suppose to be cool to be depressed and suicidal. It needs to fucking stop, it's contagious. Can't we all just write songs about being happy and memories when we were? Wouldn't that help people more than 'i want to die, i cut myself to live, i contradict myself because i'm so pathetic'. Oh my fucking god people, get a life stop writing music if that is how you feel. Just listen to music that makes you happy.
Actually that was a really bad idea. Then everyone will be like me and listen to music that reminds them of somethings sad (in my case: 'A') and all the memories they had. Why is life such a bitch to everyone?
I really REALLY wish I could grab life my the throat and strangle it. I want to watch it die for all the pain it has caused everyone. Why should we be born just be in pain? If a bird is dying on the floor you should put it out of it's misery. Stop watching them die.
Holy shit, I'm done venting... HAHA you know what I just realized? All this time 'T' has been wanting me to vent to her so she understands, but here I go and vent here. Maybe I should show her this? Nah, I don't think that is smart. She'll be gone so fast if I did that. Is that what has been stopping me?
Wowww I'm such a dick. I'm so selfish. This whole time I'm talking about how much I love 'A', but I'm holding back from telling 'T' because I want her to stay and suffer with me. Is that how it is? Am I just trying to make someone as bad off as me? See, this shit IS contagious. For the love of everything, why does this have to go on?!
I am so fucking pissed off at myself. I wonder if my insides would be pretty if I ripped them out and showed the world what I am made of. On that note, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'll do one of two things.
- Wake up around 9 a.m. and find some pot
- Wake up later and and hang out with 'T'. (and feel horrible if I remember this)
Actually, I'll add a third, as an afterthought.
- Wake up around 9 a.m. and find and smoke pot with my friend until around 3 p.m.~6 p.m. when I'll hang out with 'T'.
Isn't that horrible? Oh well, I'm done. Fuck it, I'm going to lay down and think about you know who.
I want to die.